The Cycle

Domestic abuse follows a common pattern of violence:

Abuse

The first phase of the cycle is abuse. In this phase the abuser  lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior towards the victim. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim that the abuser is in control.

Guilt

The next phase is guilt. After abusing the victim, the abuser  feels guilt, but not over what has been done. The abuser is more concerned about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.

Excuses

The next phase is excuses. This is when the abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim  for the abusive behavior. He will do anything to avoid taking responsibility for his own behavior.

"Normal" behavior

This phase is often referred to as the honeymoon phase. In this phase the abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened or try to charm the victim. This causes the victim to have hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

Fantasy and planning

The next phase is the fantasy and planning phase. The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing the victim. He spends a lot of time thinking about what mistakes the victim has made and how he will punish the victim. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

Set-up

The final phase of the cycle is the set-up phase. In this phase the abuser sets the victim up in order to put his plan in motion. The abusive will  create a situation in which he can justify abusing the victim, and the cycle starts all over again.

The abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make the victim believe that she is the only person who can help him, that he can change, and that he truly cares. The dangers of staying in an abusive relationship are very real, and may even be life threatening.